If you are a woman walking on this planet you have undoubtedly been faced with the unnerving situation of “submarining.” The new pop culture term defining when a man you are dating ghosts you for no real reason only to pop back up a few months later with no explanation or apology as to why he left in the first place. It is why girl’s night out, wine nights, urgent phone calls in the middle of the night and self-help books exist today. We need a group of like-minded women to help us analyze these confusing situations pronto. Because we simply don’t get what the hell happened in the first place. Having a tribe of supporters to remind us that sometimes it is actually the about the guy and not about us is just what the doctor ordered.
I once had this hot Vin Diesel looking guy court me from afar for years. He was friends with my ex and always seemed to be checking me out when we were in the same vicinity. I loved the attention and when my ex and I broke ties he happened to pop up at the same party I was attending. He asked me out. We had an amazing date and talked at a restaurant into the wee hours of the morning. He dropped me off at my doorstep and asked me to accompany him to a friends wedding the next day. I never heard form him again. My pride stopped me from asking what happened, and I assumed it was because of some kind of guy code with my ex. Years later I ran back into him. He asked me back out and basically the same thing happened again only this time there was no wedding just a promise to see me again. Keep in mind we never got past first base. Fast-forward a few months later to me seeing him out and confronting him. Come to find out I reminded him of his old babysitter whom he had, had a brief affair with as a young adult and had never truly gotten over. We would have never gotten anywhere as a couple. All it took was me asking him what had happened to find out all I ever needed to know. He wasn’t ready for a relationship with me or anyone else for that matter.
As a relationship expert I see this phenomena all the time. When a woman meets a man like this she has to simply cut bait and remind the universe that she is worthy of an adult conversation if and when the guy decides to duck out.
If you find yourself in a relationship or early “like” with a submarine, let him sink. He most likely has a commitment issue and can’t seem to wrap his mind around staying the course in a new relationship for what ever his reasons are. If he has managed to pull you back in, simply give him a boundary list. Tell him what you will and will not put up with. Let him know that if he is thinking about circling back your way he needs to be ready to do what he says he is going to do like: show up, follow-up and man up in the situation. Remember, delivery is key and standing up for what you want is HOT and NOT bitchy.
Submarining is a crappy behavior. It is only acceptable if he comes back with a reason for leaving you hanging in the first place. Women have to know what they will and will not stand for. We have to teach men-children exactly what real women want and expect. The minute you give him room to resort back to childhood behavior you are setting yourself up for another submarine submersion and who knows how long they will stay under this time.