Are you in a love hate relationship with someone and you can’t figure out what gives? Do you feel like you are losing your mind with all of the mixed messages and wondering if you should stay or run like hell in the opposite direction? Well…there is a perfectly good term to define what is actually going on in your head and in your relationship.
A “double bind” is an emotionally distressing situation or relationship in which an individual (you!) is receiving two or more conflicting messages, and one message negates the other. For example, are you are in a relationship where a man is telling you he loves you but is also saying he can’t commit to you? if so, the emotional confusion may put you in a vicious cycle of questioning what you really want. The double-bind is that you are faced with making a decision with two irreconcilable demands or a choice with two undesirable courses of action. Your gut is telling you to run, yet your heart is telling you to stay. What do you do?
If you tell him you want a commitment or you are going to walk away in may create a quandary in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other.If you hold your ground and the answer is still no, do you leave? If you ride the wave and stay because your heart wants to, are you negating your real desires? In love hate relationships two partners may indeed love one another but simply want different things.
Sound familiar? If so, keep reading. And no…you are not going CRAZY!
Women who suffer from abandonment issues often get themselves into double-binded situations. Because they may have trouble setting boundaries and fear doing so, they can get into a love hate relationship with themselves or the people they love. Most of the time both people in a love hate relationship go between intense love and resentment towards one another. In the end, the relationship crumbles because neither side is getting what they truly want.
If you are in a love hate relationship and desperately want to just feel better… listen up! It is important for you to know your own worth. It is completely normal to want a total commitment from someone. Acceptance, respect and love are the staples of a lasting, loving relationship. A true partnership thrives on give and take. In order to truly be able to love someone else, you have to first love yourself. Loving yourself means knowing what is negotiable and what is not in a relationship.
Get a piece of paper out and make three columns. Under the first column heading write the word “non-negotiable.” Underneath the heading write down everything that comes to mind. List your true deal breakers in a relationship. Your non-negotiable (deal breakers) may be: smoking, infidelities, or someone who does not want children. In the next column heading write “negotiable” and do the same type of exercise. Perhaps you would like someone who enjoys music and dancing. Write it down. Have fun with it. You know what you desire in a partner. In the last column write down your “must haves”. For example, he must be ready for a commitment and want a family. Be honest here. It is important to be forthright with yourself and your hearts desires. In fact, get specific in all three columns. Write down everything that comes to mind. Once you are done, sit back, and take a look. Does anything jump out at you? Is there anything you want to omit or move to another column? Zero in on which things make you happy. They should be glaringly apparent.
If your list does not match up with your current situation it may be time to consider if this love hate relationship can truly stand the test of time. You now know what will make you happy. It is written in black and white. The decision is yours. Do you stay or go?
Only you can answer that question.
Sometimes it takes a broken heart or a confusing end to a love hate relationship to get the love you really want. Take some time for self-refelection. You may notice patterns that keep popping up in your relationship that no longer serve you. Is it time to heal those areas of your life?
Love is meant to be pure.
Love is meant to fuel you- not deplete you. Love yourself enough to expect the entire fairytale. He may not ride up on a white horse, but he will definitely take you off into the sunset.