Tracey’s Story

My story is one that started as a young girl. I did not lose my dad to illness, but choice — I still remember the day I knelt in my parents room, crying and praying to God for a new family. I was around 6 years old at the time. I am now 29 and my parents are still unhappily married.
My dad was always home, but was never involved with me or my younger sister. He kept to himself and stayed in his bedroom. Any time he was needed to drive me anywhere, he told me I was a burden. It didn’t take long for me to observe the dads that other kids had, or my cousins even. I was angry and jealous that I didn’t have a dad to hold and comfort me, or even just talk to. I was also angry that my mom didn’t have anyone to help her with shopping, appointments, etc.
My sister and I have both seen therapists or counselors most of our adult lives, both of us having uncontrollable anxiety and depression. I have a lot of college completed, but no degree yet. I always seem to get too involved with a guy during school and turn my attention on making him happy instead of focusing on school.
I have been in several long-term relationships, always turning out to be unhealthy. I have always wanted to be that perfect bride for that special someone. I would take such great care of him and be the provider, he would just have to love me. I’m still to this day desperate to be married, too desperate apparently. From these relationships, I have three young boys. My oldest just turned 6, the youngest 2. Now, not only am I desperate for a sense of security for me, but my boys do not have a stable male figure in their life. The one thing I wanted in life was to make sure my children had a strong, positive dad that would always be there for them. I have failed them. I know I can raise them, but it’s a struggle every day. Their dads are still alive, choosing something else over them. It breaks my heart.
I recently found a great counselor that, in just a short time, has really helped me find clarity in myself. That is how I came across this movement. Now that I can identify some of my behaviors, I was curious if growing up without my dad has an effect on anything. Boy was I surprised to find all this research and these other women fighting the same battles as me! I am really hoping to find more clarity and ways to make better choices with the help of the research and experiences from the women in The Fatherless Daughter Movement.